I never knew before what to do or say when tragedy struck. I think it leaves all of us feeling rather helpless and insecure. We want to offer support, to be there for those who are suffering, but most of us are terrified of saying the wrong thing. Maybe we stay away because that fear of saying or doing the wrong thing immobilizes us.
Having lived through some scary stuff, I’d like to suggest what might help a person who is dealing with tragedy. This comes only from my experience, granted, but it does seems to be a universal need. The best advice I have ever heard for helping those in crisis can be summed up in this short phrase: Show up and shut up.
Show up
Nothing substitutes for just “being there” for another human being. You don’t need an excuse. You don’t need to come with food in hand (although that really does help tremendously—everyone has to eat eventually). No matter how you feel—nervous, awkward, unwanted—you are needed. Truly.
When someone is in crisis, it doesn’t matter your relationship to them. You are human, aren’t you? That is enough. Seriously. Give them a hug. Let them hold on to you and cry if they need to. Just show up. Be there. That is what is important. Don’t take their word for it if they say, “I’ll be fine, no need to come.” They honestly don’t know, having never weathered this exact heartache before. A card is nice, a phone call is good—but nothing replaces another person’s presence.
Shut Up
This is crucial. Shut up. Don’t tell your stories. A person in trouble cannot process what you are saying anyway. I think nervousness makes it easy for we who come to help to dredge up every misadventure we can think of that has any similarity to the tragedy at hand. It makes for small talk . . . and since we don’t know what to say, it relieves us somewhat. It also pulls the person in need of comfort through a knothole while they are in pain. No horror stories . . . and no miracle stories, either, please. Just listen. Listen. Listen.
A nicer way of saying it is “Be there and listen”, but it doesn’t stick in the memory like “Show up and shut up”. That little slogan pops right into my mind whenever I hear of someone in crisis. In my own time of trouble, it proved to be exactly, completely true! It can help us soothe the way for another . . . as we each take our turn in this earth life’s experiences, full of joy and sorrow.
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