There are two ways to raise a child.
You can do it the Easy-Hard way, which is to roll along, give your child his way because he is young and “doesn’t know better”, keep him from crying by handing out cookies, don’t put demands on him to behave well or follow the family rules or contribute. Pick up after him. Do everything for him and expect nothing of him. Don’t teach him to use tools or cut with a knife or carry something to the table, because he might get hurt or break something. Do it yourself and save the mess. Easy. It makes for less stressful times, because a child who gets his way doesn’t pitch fits very often.
The other way is Hard-Easy. It starts out with a bang—rough-riding! It takes lots of energy to train and teach and persuade and correct, and urge and work side-by-side with and expend lots of effort on polishing your little rough-edged baby-child into a smooth diamond. You’ll have to learn to ignore tantrums. You’ll have lots of exhausting “let-me-show-you-how” and “work-with-me” instruction sessions. You’ll have to model being happy yourself and smile and take a proactive role in loving him. It takes creativity, patience and energy to teach a little one how to behave politely, to follow family rules, to pick up after himself, to pull his weight, to respect his elders, to control his emotions and more. There will be cut fingers, broken dishes and messes while he is learning. Hard.
The Easy-Hard way goes along breezily for a few years, maybe even 6 or 8 years, and Mama is serving her child devotedly and life is relatively smooth. The child isn’t developing any skills, and doesn’t have much self-confidence as a result. And the child senses that he is more a liability than an asset to the family. He just wants to have fun and indulge himself and is glad that Mom is picking up after him and doing the cooking, cleaning, toy-buying, driving him here and there, and still handing out cookies to shut him up. He wants bigger treats, more fun, and complains a lot. Mom feels worn out and wishes for school to start (or summer camp) to get the little demon out of her hair. It is getting hard!
As the child grows, the Hard-Easy method continues to be quite a job for Mom. But her child is gaining some skills gradually, and the messes are diminishing a smidgen. When Daddy comments on how good the pancakes are, and the 8-year-old beams and proudly says, “I made them all by myself”, there is some honest-to-goodness self-etsteem and confidence brewing. Mom now has a helper, and an eager learner who wants to gain his parent’s skills and knows he is a contributing family member. Self-control has increased, since the crying and tantrums didn’t do anything but wear him out. He can clean a bathroom, help with dinner, work side-by-side with Dad in painting the kitchen and scheme how to spend his carefully earned money. This child is a joy to Mom and she is proud of him. Guess what? Easy is starting to show its face.
You’re guaranteed to get both the “easy” and the “hard” part of parenting when you raise a child.
Which one do you want to tackle first?
Which direction do you want your child pointing as he moves into adolescence?
Please leave a comment here. Thanks!!!
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I'd sure love to hear your comment!
I have found myself doing both over the years. Our boys are 12 and 11 and soon will be turning 12 and 13 in October of this year . As they aproach teenage years , I want them to have more responsiblity , like helping around the house to earn thier kungfu lessons and extra monies , but I want them to take more responsiblity for themselves , thier belongings and their rooms . Rewards and Lossess really don't work anymore , I do enforce the lossess . It seems that only if I demand they do thier chore charts and demand they pick up thier bathroom , etc that they will do what I ask, but they won't do it on thier own .
They need constant cueing and I feel like a NAG ….OR MOM ROBOT that drones them – pick up bathroom please , take out trash please , do your math please . It seems that they are oblivious to what needs to be done they are still the whirling dervishes they have always been , and I get overwhelmed when they are not picking up after themselves.
I do teach them to cook , and help them organize thier rooms when they get out of kilter , but I want to foster more responsible independance.
we thought boy scouts would help with that and it did for awhile , they also love kung fu and will practice on thier own . again REWARDs ….
I bet you if I hung a psp game from the ceiling and announced who ever is the most responsible and helpful this week wins the prize , they would have immaculate rooms and would pick up after themselves .
but I dont want to fall into that trap again , it is counterproductive .
My youngest child will leave his plate on the table , breakfast , lunch , and dinner . He knows the rules and he knows every family member is too scrape thier plate and put it in the sink . Yet he leaves his plate , I have even let it sit over night so his plate is staring him in the face the next morning at breakfast time , he acts embarressed and cleans it up quickly . He continuely does this and I continuely let it sit and that is not easy for me to leave a dirty plate out – yuck !!!
I keep hoping if Iam consistantly consistant , that my children will follow suit , and I still keep requireing participation from them .
My mother always appeased us children and did everything for us , because it was easier . She still does the same thing with her grandchildren and it is annoying when my kids want to go over there because they are getting a free-for all . They will come back home and expect me to expect nothing from them . I have told them that they have responsiblites and that is not how it works in the real world .
IN THE REAL WORLD WE HAVE TO WORK AND PICK UP AFTER OURSELVES .
Boy did I need this today! Thanks Diane for your always wonderful and often timely advice!
I won't start parenting till baby comes in November. I totally agree with your point. I will really try to raise this and all of our children the Hard-Easy way.
Beautifully and wisely spoken! SOOO true.
Awesome, encouraging post….thank you~
This advice so wisely shared is completely priceless. THANK YOU for sharing it!!!! (It's not that common, really, so it's a gift)
The advice is sound, but so is the premise. It's eye-opening: I will have to do easy and hard in parenting my child–so, the real question is how would I choose for this to end up? It really makes me think which way I would rather spend my energy and which ending I want and what I need to do *now* to get there.
Another way I have heard those words spoken is "I am not raising a child, I am raising an adult". Of course kids are kids now, but we raise them not just to be easy but to be able to function well as adults and that training starts when they are young. Thanks, Diane. Your posts make my day.
When do you start the 'hard'? We now have a 2-yr old who leaves a path of destruction in his wake. He is also a wonderful, loveable, curious boy. We are trying to teach him to be a little neater, less destructive, not so wild, etc. We are older parents and we are being accused of spoiling him rotten! Any suggestions?
I absolutely loved this. I have always followed the hard-easy way and it is paying off in ways I never thought. There are evenings I don't even cook or do the dishes! If my kids give me a hard time about helping out, I remind them that I got up three or four times a night to feed them, changed their diapers to keep them clean and comfortable, etc and since I have done so much for them, they can do some things for me. We also tell them they are in training, to be adults someday and need to act properly, know the rules, be responsible, etc. God entrusted us with these four children, to raise them properly and prepare them to the best of our ability. I really don't want to have to answer to God someday explaining why I was too lazy, too busy to take the time, too impatient, too controlling, too self centered…sounds like the opposite of the fruit of the spirit. Look around and you can easily find the easy-hard raised kids in society. It's unfortunate. Thanks for a great topic.
The Holy Spirit works through you to mom's like me. Thank you. I feel like we just sat on the porch together, drinking lemonade- well me drinking the lemonade,because you were encouraging me!! Thank you Diane! I look forward to thanking you at our eternal home one day. What a crown you will have!!!
You start the "hard" at day one. I am not suggesting HARD means HARSH. I am suggesting that HARD means that mom and dad do the hard thing, the thing that takes effort: getting up off the couch and helping him pick up his toys side-by-side and singing a little "pick up your toys" song and smiling and making it fun and pleasant. That takes effort! Especially when you are tired, and it is the end of a rough day. Making work fun for kids, and keeping rules and doing chores—making those pleasant tasks together—now that is HARD! And the pay-off will be very big in the long run.
Lucky you to have a child when you are older parents! I had my last, Louisa, when I was 43 and I know that energy is waning a bit, and it is definitely harder to train them up right.
Best success!
Diane
I'm doomed. One of my children is acting like an "easy-hard" child and he just turned 12 (no signs of puberty yet).
Hard also means 'time' -it takes more time to work with them, to make them do things instead of just doing it yourself when they are young.
I know far too many people that have done the easy/hard…it really shows in the teen years. They are also the people I know that 'could never homeschool' and 'can't wait for school to start again 'cause my kids are driving me crazy'….
I helped some people move the other day while their 11 yr old daughter was sitting watching cartoons the entire time and then had a tantrum because no one could take her to the library that day…I said, "My kids wouldn't be watching tv, they'd be helping carry and move…" One of the other people helping (an "I can't wait for school to start" from the previous paragraph type) said, "my daughter would be doing the same thing, she wouldn't help either", that one has a 16 yr old…
I just shut my mouth…
This is only possible because of our abundance, when people are living in subsistence mode, everyone helps. We are a spoiled nation even our poorest don't have to work for food and water let alone our own kids.
I do make mine work, in the garden, yard, house, kitchen, they work at our small business for money, they do their own laundry and know how to cook. they are a joy and a help! I don't know what I'd do without them! lol! At 14 and 16 they do a lot of their own schooling now too!
Michelle, I can tell you from experience that it's not too late! Start from where you are, but be prepared to stick to your guns– with love and patience. Be ready to become a broken record, to be "the mean mom", to outlast the backlash. I highly recommend "Parenting with Love and Logic," with lots of prayer and deep breathing.
Diane, thanks for the wonderful reminder!!!