Question:
I put my son James in public school for a short time and the teacher said he was “behind”. I was so upset, I cried for days! You said he is so young, I shouldn’t worry. At what point should I worry?
Answer:
At what point should you worry?
NEVER!
Just pray and do your very best. Children have their own growth path, their own maturation process. Assisting them to learn what they are interested in, and providing fun ways to learn the things they have no interest in, but that are necessary life skills—is the best any mortal can do, including any public school teacher. You are their very best teacher! Your methods may vary, and you may explore and try new ones, but basically, it is YOU— your love, your caring concern, your energy to help them pursue their interests— not the academics, that makes a good education.
Your child is not “behind” or “ahead”. He is James. Period. With all his varying skills and abilities—some areas higher and some areas lower than the “norm” (which doesn’t exist, of course).
I am so sorry that you felt bad and cried about the teacher’s opinion. James is who he is. I wish you could see how it will work out—that James will grow up to become his own phenomenal person!
I think we underestimate the divine nature in our children. They are progressing, opening like a blooming flower. And their potential and final intelligence level is really not up to us, just as we cannot determine what color a blossoming flower will be. We can assist, or retard their blooming efforts, but we can’t determine their talents, ability or intelligence level.
Make sure he has religious training. That is the biggest factor, because as kids get to be teens, their respect for God, and for you and others will make a huge difference. Next, make sure he has the basics: reading, writing and math—according to his time table—don’t put expectations on him to go faster, to be something he is not. Make it fun, as I know you try to do! Help him: be his best aid in pursuing his interests. Get books at the library, buy kits, find DVDs, travel with him, take him to science fairs, seek out mentors like the blacksmith at the county fair, that can answer his questions. Kids are hungry to learn things that interest them. Feed him as fast as he can take it. And don’t force feed him too much stuff that he has no interest in.
I used to stress, too. I think it is because I had the mistaken idea that I was the creator. That how my children turned out intelligence-wise, talent-wise was entirely up to me, somehow. I know that if you keep homeschooling the best you can, and you keep him out of public school and make sure he has religious training, you will be calling me in ten years to tell me what a fabulous, smart, achieving, amazing son James is.
Breathe deep. He is God’s child first, yours second. Do your best, and you’ll be amazed with the results!
Diane Hopkins is the homeschooling mother of 7 and the author of Heart-to-Heart with Diane. She chooses the homeschool resources for her store, Love to Learn.
To make a comment to this post, just click on the Heart-to-Heart logo at the top of this post, which will take you to the website, where you can post your comment. I so appreciate you posting comments, as your wisdom benefits every reader. Thank you!
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I'd sure love to hear your comment!
Awesome, Thank you so much! I have to remember this.
Oh my goodness, I came across this site because I was trying to figure out whether to enroll my teen daughter back in school. I have been homeschooling her since the fourth grade. I am starting to be persuaded by the school choice we have in the state, but I keep forgetting that "institutionalized schooling" as someone stated above in the comments is exactly what I would be putting her back into. Then I envisioned how they would have to leave work for school meeting with the child study team again, because she is not up to speed.
I read all the comments above and just started to cry. My youngest is in kindergarted and they want to hold him back because he is not up to speed. He is artistic, sweet, but the the school wanting to hold him back just because he can't write a full sentence down, makes me want to pull him out as well and homeschool him too.
I am working and would not be able to pay to have him watched while I am at work, so that is out of the question. I may just wait until he is 7 if he still "has trouble."
Kudos to all of you who share your most inner thoughts and gives the rest us a sigh of relief that we too are doing the right thing for our kids.
That was great advice, Diane! We have always homeschooled. My second son was held back last year because he couldn't read well enough for his evaluation. It hurt his self-confidence and mine. We have had a stressful year this year trying to "catch him up," but he still doesn't read fluently. He is 9 years old, wonderfully creative and bright in all other subjects. It is amazing the hurt that people can do to us by putting us in a box. I am greatly helped by reading your blog. Thank you!!
I completely agree with Amber. There are definitely children who, no matter how intelligent they really are, need us mothers to hold their hands firmly and pull them through the academic journey because they just won't do it on their own.
I think the beauty of homeschooling is that you get to tailor the education to each child's needs. This can be done only through constant prayer, because the Lord knows your children best. Some children have infirmities such as dyslexia or vision problems while others can have inborn personality infirmities such as (even though I really hate to use this word) laziness or timidness. Some children really need to learn to overcome themselves and do the things they might not necessarily want to do to reach their full potentials. Again, I believe, the key is constant prayer to be given guidance from the Lord about each child.
"At what point should you worry?" I discovered my daughter could not read in 4th grade when she was doing poorly in social studies at the public school and that my 1st grade son believed humans evolved from apes because of the mural on the wall at that same school. I was convicted to enroll them into a half day Christian school and supplement at home (I have found it necessary is work 3 days a week). The other three sons never gone to the institutionalized public school. With help from my husband and by the Grace of God our children have had an eclectic education including fulltime homeschool, Christian school and charter school. They have all been tested to be dyslexic and there have always been areas of study that they had to work long and hard on and there have been special tutors. But today I have a RN, a police officer and a teacher all with bachelor degrees and two younger boys that continue to learn and improve and stay active. They all trust Jesus Christ at their Lord and Savior. Each child and family is unique and the Lord is in control. Just continue to strive to teach and lead your children to their full potential and calling. No need to worry.
There is definitely a balance that needs to be struck between pushing our kids too much and being disappointed and helping them reach their potential and make sure they really are doing their best. If there is some type of impairment or disability then we need to accept that and find things that the child can excel in and enjoy. But if they are fairly "normal" kids they often need a lot of guidance and pushing in order for them to do the things they didn't think they could or want to do. They need to learn to do hard things and apply themselves and focus. I think this only comes from meeting requirements and expectations set by the parents.
This was something I needed to hear today. Thanks.
Thank You so much for this…
I put my son, Andrew, in public school for three weeks when he was eleven. His teacher did not have a good opinion of homeschooling and punished my child unjustly by treating him like an idiot. She told him he had no skill in math and rated him as a D level. Andrew had been doing Saxon 7/6 at home and had done very well so my husband and I did not understand her smug statement until we realized she was also punishing us, through him, for homeschooling.
When Andrew came home in tears one day saying that he would never go back, we told him he didn't have to. We brought him back home and he homeschooled through High School. We seized upon his talent and interest – the military. He joined Civil Air Patrol and had great experiences there with Color Guard competitions, orientation flights, search and rescue exercises and many summer activities. We continued to teach him religion, reading, writing, math, etc., but we did it to his and our schedules. Not the school's schedule. By the time he wes 16, he was taking a college calculus course at our local college, as well as other courses in chemistry and English and getting A's. He did incredibly well on the ACT test, with individual scores of 33, 33, 33, and 31. Now he is 18 and he received an appointment to West Point and to the Air Force Academy!
When my children were young, I looked forward to every word I could read from Diane. She had more experience than I did and I used her as my mentor. When Andrew declared at the age of eleven that he wanted to go to West Point, I was scared. I knew nobody that had homeschooled a child to a military academy and I didn't think I was up to the task. I wasn't even sure it was possible. Then I read Diane's publication, Homeschooler Goes to College, and gained a vision for my son. I prayed fervently, gathered my courage, moved forward and never looked back.
Diane is right. You should listen to her. She was a tremendous help to me. She convinced me that I was the best teacher for my son. I knew his academic strength (math) and his academic weakness (English). I was able to help him achieve his goals because I love him and have a greater interest in his success than a school teacher. I would not consider my son a brainiac in any way. He is an average boy that knows what he wants and works hard to get it.
Listen to the mom's that have been where you are now. Your son is going to be just fine. Mine was.
Thank you, Diane.
This is a great post. A wonderful reminder. Hopping over from Petra School.
Wow. I love that line – I used to think I was the Creator. What a stress we heap on our selves when we pressure ourselves for results in these little children. I think this is the best article I've read in a long while of letting the kids be. I do agree with the Assist or Delay part – I am the Great Assister – not the great creator.
My middle child went to kindergarten last year at what was supposed to the best public school in the best school district in Kansas, which is one of the top states in the country. He is a kinesthetic learner with incredible spatial skills, but is a slow learner when it comes to reading. Watching his classmates "get it" while he stuggled, killed his self confidence. His teacher progressed through the curriculum according to plan, and my boy was left behind. Not only did he finish kindergarten not reading, but he did not believe himself to be capable of reading. His teacher NEVER raised with us any concerns about his reading- I'm not certain whether she even realized that he was struggling, because he is not the type to ask for help. Here we are now, homeschooling, half- way through 1st grade, and he is just now becoming confident enough in his reading ability to read to someone besides me. He still insists that he can't read, but he's reading cereal boxes, and he can answer for me when his little brother asks, "What does that say?"!!! Yes, he is behind where other kids with his same manufacturing date range might be, but he is a unique little person who is learning and growing every day and I am proud of him and the progress he has made!!!!
Thank you for this we all need to hear more about ourselves and our children's uniqueness and that their "norm" is just right for them.
A dinner invite! That's very tempting… ; 0 ) Thanks for your kind words! I am so glad you are homeschooling–great decision!
Diane
Thank you for your wonderful posts and fabulous websites. You are so very inspired and I feel that you are a trusted friend although we have never met! Thank you for doing the Lord's work! When I read your homeschooling books, I felt the Spirit and had my answer! I was to homeschool. This is my first year homeschooling. Thank you for your guidance. You and your resources are an answer to prayer. I only wish I lived in Utah to have a support system like you have. Thank you so much ! I wish we could invite you over for dinner! If you are ever in California, you are welcome here!
Thank you so much for writing this! I ended up getting a tutor for my son to help me make sure I'm teaching him right. I kept thinking, "Diane's right." I am doing 100 times better than this guy, and I make it fun, and I know my child. I know what he likes and how to make him smile, and we can get up and run around the room instead of sitting in desks. It was good for me to see. Patience is one of the lessons I'm learning in homeschooling– letting them progress at their own pace.
Well said, Diane (as always)! Recently I read the book Educating for Human Greatness by Lynn Stoddard. Using the analogy of a garden, I realized that we have to see our children as seeds for individual plants. We have been given maybe an apple seed, a celery seed, a carrot seed, etc., and each can only grow into the plant it was intended to be. No matter how much I fertilize a celery seed to become an apple tree, it won't do it. It will only become a withered celery plant, if it survives at all. The public school system is set up to grow one kind of plant (for some reason I randomly chose a pumpkin). They treat all children as if they are pumpkin seeds, and those who are do pretty well in that system, but the many who aren't suffer because they aren't being nurtured in the way that best suits who they are. Instead of realizing that, they just dump on more pumpkin fertilizer and keep doing what they do. To have a teacher tell a mother that her child is "behind" the public system is just like telling her that her little summer squash isn't as big as the pumpkins we're growing here in the pumpkin patch. Little summer squash will never be and isn't supposed to ever look like a pumpkin, but allowed to grow into a summer squash, he will do beautifully. Your advice to her was spot on. I'll be printing this one out to hang somewhere to keep reminding myself.
Hugs to Jame's mama. I have a child who was "behind." And when my parents pointed it out to me, I felt like my teaching abilities were being attacked. I didn't doubt the brightness of my child, yet also knew something wasn't right.
We decided to take a look at her physically first. Had her eyes and hearing checked. Checked for infections that might affect her senses. She ended up having some severe difficuties that were getting in the way of her meeting her potential.
It is now 4 years later. During that time she received a year of vision therapy and started Suzuki violin and ballet lessons that helped with her sensory motor and processing speed issues. I am just beginning to see her live up to her full academic potential. She was 3 years behind academically when we first started her therapies and is now on grade level.
The most imporant thing I learned during this journey was how much prayer can help guide us and the child, and to keep reaffirming my daughter of her great worth and potential. She was aware that she was struggling and thought she was stupid. That was definintely not the case.
This is also JUST what I needed, thank you SO much! This gave me courage to repost this on Facebook AND announce to the world that my 8½ yr old daughter is NOT a fluent reader yet and I am NOT worried. You don't know how much courage it took for me to admit that AND actually be ok with it. Thank you for your encouragement and your wisdom!
I just came across your blog a few days ago and added it to my reader because I believe your experience is something that I can definitely glean from. I homeschool my son and often find myself wondering if I'm doing a good enough job, if I'm effectively teaching the concepts, wondering if he's "up to level"…. all the questions of that sort. I so appreciate this post! You're so right – who determines what is normal or average anyway? I took the 'he'll do it in his own time' approach when he was an infant & toddler, but it seems like there is more pressure now that he's in school. Thanks for the much needed reminder to just relax!
Boy did I need to hear this. Thank you for sharing!